Finding My Sexuality

Apparently this article about sex life in your 30s and subsequent post I wrote discussing it, really hit a nerve. Is there really no one out there discussing 30 something sex in a functional way? I did a quick google search, after I saw/heard the response to my post, and found that no, that conversation isn’t happening. The only thing being talked about in terms of 30 somethings is when your sex life has gone astray, is lost, or broken. So to continue my own conversation on the 30 something sex life, I’d like to tell you about how my husband and I are at a better place than ever with our intimacy.

What is it about our 20s that encourages insecurity, fosters it, allows it to take over our personalities and lives. I feel much more confident as a 30 something than I ever did in my 20s. And the true irony is that I had a better body in my 20s and didn’t know it.

I’ve always had a higher than normal sex drive and open to creative positions, but besides that our sex life has generally been rather vanilla. We met very early, as freshmen in college. We were both inexperienced sexually. When you’re new to the whole sex thing, as we were, for us it was mistakenly about quantity rather than quality. Maybe it was a young person thing, but we had sex all the time, in all kinds of positions, and I’d cum, only once, and we’d be done. We thought we were adventurous just because our use of different positions. That was all well and good until we’ve been together 5-10 years and all of a sudden what was once fresh and new was surprisingly stale and boring. We still had sex with regular frequency, I still came, but I felt like we were missing something. We never really talked about sex, or really anything, because my husband isn’t much of a sharer and for fear of rejection, I just didn’t bring anything up.

After two children, physically, things don’t sit in quite the same spot, and yet here I am completely comfortable in my imperfectly beautiful body. That confidence has extended itself into the bedroom. Whereas before I wasn’t comfortable enough to voice my interests, all of a sudden I had the confidence to finally ask my husband some uncomfortable (at the time) questions. Late one night, for some unknown reason, I started asking questions and he, even more surprisingly, was answering anything I asked. I started asking him what his fantasies were. And knowing my husband, I had to ask specific questions. He will not offer information, but will answer things truthfully when asked. No more fear of rejection running rampant in my brain. And it is so incredibly freeing to feel that way. Once you open up to your partner in that way and start truly discussing likes and dislikes a whole new world opens up to you. That’s how I can say that after 13 years together, 10 years married, we are currently experiencing a sexual awakening/revolution.

It was these discussions that led us to purchasing our first sex toy, trying anal sex, and discussing the possibility (although logistically a nightmare) of engaging in a threesome. With each idea we present, we talk through things like never before. And through talking and hearing each others’ opinions I am closer to him than ever before. We’re exploring together. We’re growing together as a couple and to me that is a functional sex life as a 30 something.

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5 thoughts on “Finding My Sexuality

  1. Lucy says:

    Amazing Blog! I opened up to my boyfriend about this blog and he was rather confused why I need to read about sex. For me, it is curiosity what other ‘normal’ 30 year olds are doing in the bedroom. Porn appears to be so unrealistic and not appealing! So, I often question, is there more I could be doing to bring to the bedroom. With only a few sexual partner experiences, I feel like their is more I could do and just unsure what that more is. My boyfriend and I talk about sex briefly and we both agree that we are extremely satisfied currently in our sexual endeavors. So, it brings me back to my main point, why is it that my boyfriend finds it weird that I am curious about reading about sex. He even brought up that 50 Shades of Gray books are just like porn to him and doesn’t understand why I read them. Again, I feel it is curiosity. However, I do feel that sex should be a current topic in couples lives and wonder if, perhaps, not much of a topic at all that so many are uncomfortable to talk about it instead of just doing it?

    • I find that most women, myself included, prefer our “porn” in the written medium. Women as a whole are more verbal creatures so it makes sense that that is what we’d prefer when fantasizing. It’s also why most of us want our men to say more. Does your boyfriend not approve of your “porn?” And I should probably clarify, while we were very vanilla for many years, we were satisfied, I/we had these unrealized fantasies. Neither one of us knew that they’d ever become reality. They didn’t have to be for us to be content, but to be able to explore that with him has opened up a whole new world to us. As much as it is about the physical, I’d argue that it’s made us closer emotionally as well because of all the vulnerability brought to the table.

  2. Lucy says:

    I wouldn’t say he doesn’t approve of my “porn”, it is more that he doesn’t understand why I interested in it. Our relationship is still growing and I am not quite comfortable to open him up to the fantasy that I do have. He is quite vanilla and I am very pleased with our sex and don’t have a desire to change it now. But I do know there will be a day, maybe in 10 years or so, that I will want to explore more with sex. But for now I will keep my fantasies locked up until they are needed to spice things up! 🙂

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