Turning Down Sex With Your Partner….

Did you notice how I didn’t say, “turning down sex with your husband?”

There seem to be a rash of articles recently relating to how to turn down sex with your husband tactfully. Go ahead, google it, I dare you. I came across six different articles published in the month of April alone!

How did this become that prevalent of an issue….turning down physical intimacy with your husband? And doing it in such frequency that you have to research the best ways….And why is it only the wives doing it? Aren’t there ever any relationships where it’s the man with the lower sex drive?

I really had to stop and think about this for a while. Because my first thought? That NEVER happens in my house. Well, at least not to the point of the original articles. I have the higher physical drive. Which brought me to one of my questions, why are we only finding articles about women with lower sex drives. I live in a household where Romeo has the lower sex drive. So I guess it does happen in our house, but in reverse to some extent?

I am turned down occasionally. But there is never a need for “tact.” This is a case for clear communication and understanding. Romeo and I worked through our frequency disparity like everything else, through communication. Not by avoiding it, not by coming up with excuses, no matter how tactful they are. Not by dismissing it as only one partner’s issue. We communicated both our wants and needs to each other. We saw where they were out of sync. We discussed why. We clearly differentiated the wants/needs. That’s a very important step. I once shared with you that for me I have a one orgasm minimum daily requirement. That isn’t about what I’d like to happen, but rather what it physically takes for my body to be calm enough to focus on other things, ie. sleep. Being able to communicate that clearly to Romeo helped us understand where we were both at.

While writing this, Romeo and I even stopped to debate the term sex drive. How would you define it? Is sex drive your wants or your needs? We decided, for the purpose of this discussion, that it is the sum total of your wants and needs.

Did you notice how all the articles are related to men having the higher sex drive? I’m positive I’m not the only woman who has the higher sex drive in their relationship, and yet there’s not a single article written discussing that duality?

When I searched for articles discussing males with lower sex drives, I primarily found articles relating to erectile dysfunction. An actual physical problem. Again, I dare you. Research it. You’re going to find ten different ways to say erectile dysfunction without actually saying it. At least as represented by the articles written about men with lower sex drives, low libido always has to equal erectile dysfunction?  Whereas all the articles with women having the lower sex drive mentioned, primarily, mental and pyschological issues.

If women don’t want sex, it’s mental, if men don’t want it, it’s physical. Very few exceptions. Who made this rule? And why is it that what’s being written out there about this issue perpetuating that?

Let’s use Romeo as an example. He has no physical issues. This man can get hard at the drop of a hat. He’s an instance where the pressures of life, usually work, weigh so heavily upon him that he can’t mentally change tracks to get on board.

The inverse, I have a few girl friends that have expressed true physical issues that make sex so uncomfortable that the idea of it has become anathema. They would love to have “normal” healthy sex drives, but are impaired physically to the point of turning them off of sex.

Okay, so that really leads us back to the beginning. What are you missing if your sex drive is at odds with your partner’s? For those of you with primarily physical issues, please consult a doctor. And those with mental. Let’s consider a few things. Sex with a partner isn’t just about sex. It’s about physical intimacy, bonding, vulnerability. All things that are key in successful relationships. So when you’re turning down sex, no matter how it’s done, you’re not giving your relationship the food it needs to grow. I get it, not everyone is in the mood for intercourse all the time. There are other ways to be intimate physically without going all the way. Discuss these potential concessions with your partner to figure out what works best for you. Don’t just take it off the table all together.

 

Bowchickawow-wow

So while surfing the interwebs this evening, Romeo found a funny meme referencing the stereotypical theme music for sex, “Bowchickawow-wow.” While it was humorous, I couldn’t help to think about how dated that reference is. If we could “re-write” the stereotypical song/jingle representing sex, what would it be? I came up with a few ideas with the help of some friends. Do any of these apply to you?

Do you have a partner who’s in the dog house? Not going to be getting any “lovin” any time soon? Try one of these as your new theme song.

En Vogue – My Lovin’ (Never Gonna Get It)

MC Hammer – Can’t Touch This

Equally as cheesy as “bowchickawow-wow,” but with an 80s flair.

Def Leppard – Pour Some Sugar on Me

Tone Loc – Wild Thing

You’re in the mood for dirty animal sex?

NIN – Closer

Bloodhound Gang – The Bad Touch

How about a marathon sex session?

AC/DC – You Shook Me All Night Long

International Man-Whores need their own anthems too, right?

Jason Derulo – Talk Dirty To Me

What about cheap whores?

AC/DC – Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap

 

How about oral sex?

112 – Peaches & Cream

50 Cent – Candy Shop

Need some inspiration to try out sex in dangerous places?

Nickelback – Animals

I’m fairly certain this talks about sex. Here’s your international reference. Bonus points if you can understand all of it.

Rammstein – Pussy

And finally, I had a hard time classifying this one, but this man hung out in an abusive cheating relationship just for the sex.

Limp Bizkit – Nookie

This was a fun game. Do you have any recommendations?

 

Couples Dating: Lessons in Etiquette 1

While traversing this new land of couples dating, I’ve found myself in need of a few etiquette lessons. So I believe this will be a continuing theme on here as well.

Lessons in Etiquette 1: How to come back from the ledge without looking like a dick.

We’ve been successfully conversing, via email, with a particular couple. Verbally we hit it off. Pictures from the neck down, are okay, not bad, not our favorite. But the real kicker was when we received face pictures today. Suddenly I’m no longer interested. Sorry, I’m a visual person, it’s true. I’m not looking for another love of my life. I’m not polyamorous. Therefore I have to have an attraction to these people. And I don’t. So how do I extricate myself from this situation politely? Can we say awkward? Cause I’m feeling really awkward right now.

yeah, this won't be happening

yeah, this won’t be happening

Why isn’t there a rule book for this shit? There are books for everything else on Earth, how about a Dating for Dummies – Swingers Guide. (yes I did use the word swingers, ugh) Maybe that’s what I’ll start writing next.

Romeo and I talked about this quite a bit. We hemmed, we hawed, and finally came up with a solution. It’s a bit of a cop out really, but I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings and since I had unintentionally lead them on, I didn’t want to be a dick about it. So Romeo suggested, and I followed through with, telling them that Romeo had put a kabosh on the meeting, he was getting cold feet with the whole “next step” of actually meeting and we were going back to the drawing board to hash out our boundaries and expectations again. They took it surprisingly well, and left it open for us to communicate with them again in the future if we got back into it.

What do you think, did we do the “right” thing? Was there a “right” thing for us to do?

Couples Dating: Progress Report

So, as previously discussed Romeo and I have dipped our toes into the intimidating waters of couples dating. I know you’re just dying to find out what it’s like, right?

Well, in the past couple weeks Romeo and I have put ourselves out on two different dating sites specifically relating to this alternative lifestyle. We didn’t want all our eggs in one basket.

As we created our profiles, we realized that we needed to catch up on the lingo. There are many acronyms thrown around that look like a bad personals ad. “MFC seeks Cpl for soft swap, full swap, or just same room fun.” Let me translate, male/female couple seeks another couple to swap partners for petting, oral, or intercourse. Everything to occur in the same room. Meaning the couples don’t swap, separate and head to different rooms.

Are you still with me? 🙂

It’s not that I went into this blindly, I’ve read some books, blogs, done some research, but it was still “funny” to see some of these things in writing. To actually consider these things thoughtfully as if we might actually act on it. Oh wait, that’s right, that’s why we were doing this to begin with.

Talking about these things hypothetically and acting upon them are two completely different animals. We’ve stumbled a bit as we’ve gone down the rabbit hole because there were issues that arose that we hadn’t planned for. We thought we were smart, thought of our limits, what we were okay doing, in what way, with what people. And it’s really the minor details that seem to be currently tripping us up. Like communication. “Theoretically,” I say that and put it in quotes because until we’ve actually acted upon this everything is still theoretical, you’d think that the physical aspect of this venture would be the most daunting. Well, it isn’t. At least not yet. We hit a stumbling block when we realized we’d have to do a bit of flirty bantering.

In most relationships this is considered a no-go. You don’t flirt with anyone else, written, spoken, or otherwise, that is not your partner. It’s considered cheating. So even though we were logically prepared to share our bodies, we hadn’t thought through the other implications. That it would mean flirting, a foreplay of sorts, leading up to an actual meeting. You’re talking about changing a pre-wired notion in your brain. That’s harder to bypass than you can imagine.

For whatever reason, verbal flirting, getting to know each other, seems more intimate than any physical act. And yet, it was supposedly what Romeo and I wanted. Not just some sex act with other people that we didn’t know or like anything else about. We’re still working on this.

I know that I personally also have a hang-up where the term “swinging,” is involved. Trust me, I realize for the most part couples dating and swinging are the same thing. But for whatever reason, swinging sounds dirty to me. It has a different connotation than couples dating. Maybe Naive Nancy is letting her naivete show through with this one. Can’t be helped, it’s the way I feel. Probably another pre-wired notion I’m going to have a hard time getting around.

So to get down to it, of the two sites, one seems more promising. One site seems to be hung up on one-liners. Not witty banter, but rather cheesy and vapid lines that evoke no real feeling other than an NSA encounter. And in this case NSA means no strings attached. 🙂 The other site seems to be where more people are seeking real connections. Are having real conversations. So our current status is talking to a few interesting prospects. One couple seems to be at the forefront, and a date seems imminent. I’ll keep you posted.

Review: E-Glass Screamer Glass Dildo (renamed A&E Double Trouble Glass G)

 

 

best thing ever

**Updated 9/11/14 – While reviewing my website statistics, I clicked the link I provided on the toy as to where to purchase it and realized it was a dead link. Upon researching this anomaly, it was discovered that since this was published, the toy has been renamed. I modified the title to accurately reflect that and adjusted the link to purchase the toy accordingly. All else remains the same. 

 

I’ve had this toy for a while and have been reluctant to review it. Not because it’s bad, in fact it is my favorite penetrative toy, but because I’m not sure that I can properly quantify its attributes. Romeo pushed me into writing this though. Because it’s my favorite he wanted me to share that joy with others. 🙂

e glass screamer

isn’t she pretty

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