Did you notice how I didn’t say, “turning down sex with your husband?”
There seem to be a rash of articles recently relating to how to turn down sex with your husband tactfully. Go ahead, google it, I dare you. I came across six different articles published in the month of April alone!
How did this become that prevalent of an issue….turning down physical intimacy with your husband? And doing it in such frequency that you have to research the best ways….And why is it only the wives doing it? Aren’t there ever any relationships where it’s the man with the lower sex drive?
I really had to stop and think about this for a while. Because my first thought? That NEVER happens in my house. Well, at least not to the point of the original articles. I have the higher physical drive. Which brought me to one of my questions, why are we only finding articles about women with lower sex drives. I live in a household where Romeo has the lower sex drive. So I guess it does happen in our house, but in reverse to some extent?
I am turned down occasionally. But there is never a need for “tact.” This is a case for clear communication and understanding. Romeo and I worked through our frequency disparity like everything else, through communication. Not by avoiding it, not by coming up with excuses, no matter how tactful they are. Not by dismissing it as only one partner’s issue. We communicated both our wants and needs to each other. We saw where they were out of sync. We discussed why. We clearly differentiated the wants/needs. That’s a very important step. I once shared with you that for me I have a one orgasm minimum daily requirement. That isn’t about what I’d like to happen, but rather what it physically takes for my body to be calm enough to focus on other things, ie. sleep. Being able to communicate that clearly to Romeo helped us understand where we were both at.
While writing this, Romeo and I even stopped to debate the term sex drive. How would you define it? Is sex drive your wants or your needs? We decided, for the purpose of this discussion, that it is the sum total of your wants and needs.
Did you notice how all the articles are related to men having the higher sex drive? I’m positive I’m not the only woman who has the higher sex drive in their relationship, and yet there’s not a single article written discussing that duality?
When I searched for articles discussing males with lower sex drives, I primarily found articles relating to erectile dysfunction. An actual physical problem. Again, I dare you. Research it. You’re going to find ten different ways to say erectile dysfunction without actually saying it. At least as represented by the articles written about men with lower sex drives, low libido always has to equal erectile dysfunction? Whereas all the articles with women having the lower sex drive mentioned, primarily, mental and pyschological issues.
If women don’t want sex, it’s mental, if men don’t want it, it’s physical. Very few exceptions. Who made this rule? And why is it that what’s being written out there about this issue perpetuating that?
Let’s use Romeo as an example. He has no physical issues. This man can get hard at the drop of a hat. He’s an instance where the pressures of life, usually work, weigh so heavily upon him that he can’t mentally change tracks to get on board.
The inverse, I have a few girl friends that have expressed true physical issues that make sex so uncomfortable that the idea of it has become anathema. They would love to have “normal” healthy sex drives, but are impaired physically to the point of turning them off of sex.
Okay, so that really leads us back to the beginning. What are you missing if your sex drive is at odds with your partner’s? For those of you with primarily physical issues, please consult a doctor. And those with mental. Let’s consider a few things. Sex with a partner isn’t just about sex. It’s about physical intimacy, bonding, vulnerability. All things that are key in successful relationships. So when you’re turning down sex, no matter how it’s done, you’re not giving your relationship the food it needs to grow. I get it, not everyone is in the mood for intercourse all the time. There are other ways to be intimate physically without going all the way. Discuss these potential concessions with your partner to figure out what works best for you. Don’t just take it off the table all together.