Oh first dates. Everyone in the lifestyle has a different path to walk, but essentially in order to meet new people you’re going to have to go on a lot of first dates. Whether that’s meeting at a party, or for an intimate dinner and drinks setting, it’s still essentially the same thing. First dates. Lots of them. I know, you vanilla people thought you had the monopoly on the agony of first dates. Sorry.
When we started this journey/adventure (however you want to think of it, we still haven’t decided), we were cocky. We had the unique experience of having several great first dates. We met some very nice people, we had some great experiences and it was a nice introduction into the lifestyle. And then the real world barged in. We started having first dates that were so comical, outrageous, or just egregious, that to even relate that to others almost sounded like we were telling a story, making it up. Many of our friends requested that we tell some of these stories in the blog because they are so damn funny. However, the community that we are in is just small enough (and I was dumb enough to share this blog with the community) that those individuals portrayed in the stories, no matter how anonymously, would recognize themselves. And we’d be ostracized, or thought of poorly for being such assholes. Don’t get me wrong, we are assholes, just in the best possible sense. 🙂
Aside: Sometimes I think I should have been more selective about whom I shared the blog with amongst the community, but it’s been a really great way for people to get to know us before actually meeting us. Catch-22. We’ll live.
Anyways. So how can I share some of the issues we’ve had with dating without going into too many specifics? Here we are. I’d like to discuss the trials and tribulations of dating in the lifestyle. *Most of these will apply to anyone using any kind of online dating service*
Looks can be deceiving. And by that I mean the pictures you see online. There are a couple different standard variations of picture “errors” you will run across.
- Outdated – speaks for itself. These are the photos that are not recent. Can be several years old and they are being passed off as current photos. So when you meet the individuals, you wonder where the cute younger couple went.
- Professional – professional pictures are gorgeous. For a reason. A professional took them, they optimized lighting, and angles, and probably used photoshop in editing them. These are generally not the pictures you want to use though when attempting to judge someone’s attractiveness because when they show up in person, all non-airbrushed in standard overhead lighting, try real hard not to spit out that drink in your mouth. Life isn’t like a perfect photo session, therefore very rarely will a couple ever look like their professional photos.
- Body/face incongruity – oh, this might be more specific to the lifestyle. See in the lifestyle we tend to show pictures of our bodies before our faces. It’s a privacy thing. I know, seems a little strange, just go with it. Not us, but a lot of people save pictures of their faces until they have started to get to know someone (via messages and emails) and decide there’s a connection. They then share faces as a final pre-requisite before meeting. What happens when you’ve been conversing with one such couple. You have made a great connection through your witty repartee and their bodies are just out of this world. You become excited to meet them. Then comes the face pictures. Careful, what has been seen cannot be unseen. You stare at these desperately to figure out how that face could possibly be attached to that body. Just doesn’t make any sense. Defies logic, laws of nature, you name it. Oh the disappointment.
They’re in it for the wrong reasons. There is no way to tell this until you meet a couple in person. Most couples are smart enough not to scare people away via their profiles. So their profiles are carefully crafted verbal images of themselves and their lives. CAREFULLY CRAFTED. Yeah. Understand that everyone is in the lifestyle for a different reason. We do not judge someone on their reasons as long as the reasons are grounded in the premise that they’re in a healthy relationship. However they get to the lifestyle via a healthy relationship is none of our concern. It’s those individuals that are not in a healthy relationship that scare us. So you take the time to meet new people and in the course of conversation red flags start to appear. What are verbal red flags you ask?
- “Things get boring when you’ve been with the same person for so long.” Hmm….so your personal sex life is boring and you’re using the lifestyle as a crutch instead of fixing what’s wrong in your relationship. If it’s boring with your spouse, who says it won’t be boring with someone else. Maybe you’re the boring part, so no matter whom you try, you’ll always find it less than stellar. And, generally boring sex is a sign of other problems in the relationship. Start working on yourselves before you add others to the mix.
- He says, “she doesn’t like….,” while she says, “I love…..” Two different stories from the same couple. Oy! How much do they really know about each other if he says she doesn’t like something and she claims she loves it! And how would we ever know what the honest response was? Should I go by her answer, or his?
- “My ‘spouse’ never does that.” Usually said with longing by someone who is missing something in the relationship and has found that in someone else. Again, scary.
- “I can’t imagine having sex with the same person for the rest of my life.” Another iteration of #1. Naive Nancy is incredibly perplexed with this idea. I’d be perfectly happy if I only had sex with the Mister for the rest of our lives. We just literally got to the end of our fantasies that only involved two people and needed more players for this game. 🙂 How are you people getting bored with your partners? Please come to Naive Nancy if that’s the case. I started a series on spicing up your love life, we can re-visit that.
Life, and dating in the lifestyle, is so much easier when you’re honest with yourself and others. No fancy pictures to hide things we don’t want people to see. What you see is what you get. No fancy wording to gloss over what’s missing in our relationship. Nothing’s missing, therefore nothing to hide. The only thing about us that is carefully crafted is our sex life. It’s been fine tuned over the years and is top notch all on its own.
Have you experienced any of these issues in the dating world, vanilla or lifestyle? Do you have any to add to this discussion?