Trial & Error – Sex Toys

not quite this wholesome

not quite this wholesome

I have some good friends that pride themselves on telling me like it is. I love them for that. And they not so gently told me when they thought I was becoming not so naive and that my blog name should maybe reflect that. It was at that time that you might have noticed my tagline shifted slightly. There you go blog readers, I let you in on a little secret. 🙂

Well, I’m here to argue that concept with them, and you I suppose. Let me tell you why I think I’m still very much naive and why this blog still relates to the woman/couple looking for honest talk from someone they can relate to . I’m going to let you in on another little secret. There’s been a sex toy review that has been sitting in my draft box for ages. AGES. It was started eight months ago and I’ve been dragging my feet on it. Not because I’m lazy, not because I have writer’s block. Because I don’t like the toy. That seems easy enough right? Just write a poor review. Well, it’s not that simple. I’ve always been here to talk about the things no one talks about, here’s another one. The reason I don’t like the toy has nothing to do with the toy, it’s me. I’ve come to discover I don’t like toys that vibrate internally in my vagina. So while you see good toy reviews and you see bad toy reviews, what happens when you haven’t learned your preferences enough to know what toys you do and don’t like yet. And how do you go about that process? Is there a checklist? Are there standard toys you should try and in a certain order? That’s what I ran across. Does it get much more naive than that? I bought a toy that had all the bells and whistles thinking I would like it only to find out it’s not my style at all. Now what do you do with it? And how do you convey that? I literally have a half written review sitting around along with a toy used twice. I feel like a perverted version of the Island of Misfit Toys. I have a box of misfit sex toys. Toys I bought before I realized what kind of toy I really preferred. So the true situation I present to you is two-fold. What is the process/is there a process to discovering what sex toys best suit you? And what do you with all the misfits?

A Look Back At My First Sex Toy

You want to know why I refer to myself as Naive Nancy? Yeah, it all started with my first sex toy. Remember when I said my husband and I had that long awaited discussion regarding our fantasies. Well, if you don’t remember, start here. And for the rest of you, part of that discussion involved the mention that I wanted to try anal sex.

So being the type A person that I am, and having zero experience with toys or anal play, my husband and I approached this cerebrally (is that a word, if not I just made it up). We thought about it and decided that we’re going to need some lube and a toy that helps us work up to getting my husband’s dick in my ass. I did at least understand that it wasn’t going to happen immediately, to get a 7.5″ dick in my virgin ass.

Now this is where it starts to go awry. In the search for a toy, in my naivete, we thought maybe we should get something similar to my husband’s dick, so that if we could work up to getting that in my ass, then my husband’s dick would fit. I mean, he was excited at this endeavor, but he also had a fear of hurting me. This was a fail safe of sorts.

With all that in mind, we began the search for a dildo. We wanted something most similar to my husband’s cock and when we ran across this guy, we thought, 2-for-1 deal, has a vibrating feature so I could use it as a vibrator too, right?

my first sex toy....oy!

my first sex toy….oy!

Hahaha, I laugh just thinking about this now. We eagerly awaited the arrival of our first toy. In the meantime our lube arrived and we began prepping for anal play with lube and fingers. I would tell you how that went, but I’ll save anal play for another time. Let’s focus on the hilarity of my naivete with sex toys. You can learn from me.

The day arrived, the toy showed up. We didn’t even know what to do with ourselves we were so excited. And I do mean we. Even with the debacle that becomes this toy, we have since found that my husband loves to use toys on me.

You’ll remember we originally got this toy thinking it was similar to my husband’s dick. So we decided to try it out vaginally first just to kinda test that theory. This dildo vibrates but is hooked to the remote via a cord. We found we didn’t like remote items with a cord. You can’t exactly move when you feel like you have a tampon string hanging out. Okay – good to know, from now on we’ll go wireless.

Then he’s thrusting this in me, I should be used to this kind of motion, but I’m not. It’s not comfortable, or arousing, frankly it hurts. Yeah, well this toy is straight where most dicks have a natural curve. So it wasn’t doing it for me really vaginally.

When we’d gotten far enough along in our anal play, we decided to bring this toy back out to test if I was ready for my husband’s dick. Out comes the monster dong again. While it is technically smaller than my husband’s dick in length, the girth is different enough that this was hurting me to try anally as well. Well, shit. Tried this toy two ways and not liked it.

Remembering that it vibrates, I once took the toy out to attempt to just use the vibrating feature on my clit. Since it is so very lifelike, the roundness of the head is such that it just slipped off my clit and wouldn’t really stay where I wanted it. Three strikes and you’re out! No not really, I’m stubborn and don’t give up easily.

Months later we finally found the right use for this toy. My husband likes to peruse porn when I’m not available to satisfy his needs. So he ran across this porn he was so thrilled with, he shared it with me. It’s of this woman using the suction cup feature at the base of the dildo to attach it to a mirror and then fuck herself with it. The next time I went out of town on a trip with the girls, I took the toy with me and proceeded to make my husband’s porn come true via video chat. Score! Except that’s the only use I now have for this toy.

Do you save a “special” act for special occasions?

In honor of the upcoming commercial debacle known as Valentine’s Day, I thought this might be a good time to bring this out. Do you save a “special” sexual act for special occasions? I should probably preface this by saying, this in reference to a woman doing something she wouldn’t normally do because she doesn’t like it. But she still pulls this act out on special occasions and performs it. Now, before reading further, I need you to understand that my perspective is slightly skewed because in my house the full menu is available at all times. This idea confuses me on several levels. Is there something you really don’t like so much that you would relegate it to once or twice year? And even then on those few times are you so unsure of the solidity of your relationship that you would force yourself to do something you hated in order to please your man? I get that when it comes to sex acts I’m kinda liberal. I’m open to trying just about anything these days because I get off on what gets my man off. Wait – maybe I’m the man in the relationship 🙂 But if I truly hated something, my husband wouldn’t force me to do it. And, more importantly, I don’t think he’d get any pleasure from something he knew I hated so much. Now if the act was something you were more, meh about, instead of outright hate, then I would question the number of times you’re making it available. Meaning that the more you tried something the more you might like it. Relegating it to only being available once or twice a year means it’s not something you or your partner are well versed in together and that makes it even easier to have something go wrong, or not altogether right, and you’re left with the meh feelings. If you want to save something “special” sexually for a holiday, say Valentine’s Day, then try something new together. What better way to celebrate your love and affection then attempt to expand your boundaries together. This could be a new position, new toy, new outfit. Anything that’s new to you. The vulnerability brought on by exploration is what creates bonds.

Finding My Sexuality

Apparently this article about sex life in your 30s and subsequent post I wrote discussing it, really hit a nerve. Is there really no one out there discussing 30 something sex in a functional way? I did a quick google search, after I saw/heard the response to my post, and found that no, that conversation isn’t happening. The only thing being talked about in terms of 30 somethings is when your sex life has gone astray, is lost, or broken. So to continue my own conversation on the 30 something sex life, I’d like to tell you about how my husband and I are at a better place than ever with our intimacy.

What is it about our 20s that encourages insecurity, fosters it, allows it to take over our personalities and lives. I feel much more confident as a 30 something than I ever did in my 20s. And the true irony is that I had a better body in my 20s and didn’t know it.

I’ve always had a higher than normal sex drive and open to creative positions, but besides that our sex life has generally been rather vanilla. We met very early, as freshmen in college. We were both inexperienced sexually. When you’re new to the whole sex thing, as we were, for us it was mistakenly about quantity rather than quality. Maybe it was a young person thing, but we had sex all the time, in all kinds of positions, and I’d cum, only once, and we’d be done. We thought we were adventurous just because our use of different positions. That was all well and good until we’ve been together 5-10 years and all of a sudden what was once fresh and new was surprisingly stale and boring. We still had sex with regular frequency, I still came, but I felt like we were missing something. We never really talked about sex, or really anything, because my husband isn’t much of a sharer and for fear of rejection, I just didn’t bring anything up.

After two children, physically, things don’t sit in quite the same spot, and yet here I am completely comfortable in my imperfectly beautiful body. That confidence has extended itself into the bedroom. Whereas before I wasn’t comfortable enough to voice my interests, all of a sudden I had the confidence to finally ask my husband some uncomfortable (at the time) questions. Late one night, for some unknown reason, I started asking questions and he, even more surprisingly, was answering anything I asked. I started asking him what his fantasies were. And knowing my husband, I had to ask specific questions. He will not offer information, but will answer things truthfully when asked. No more fear of rejection running rampant in my brain. And it is so incredibly freeing to feel that way. Once you open up to your partner in that way and start truly discussing likes and dislikes a whole new world opens up to you. That’s how I can say that after 13 years together, 10 years married, we are currently experiencing a sexual awakening/revolution.

It was these discussions that led us to purchasing our first sex toy, trying anal sex, and discussing the possibility (although logistically a nightmare) of engaging in a threesome. With each idea we present, we talk through things like never before. And through talking and hearing each others’ opinions I am closer to him than ever before. We’re exploring together. We’re growing together as a couple and to me that is a functional sex life as a 30 something.

Review: The We-Vibe 4

I must say, this toy was by far the most anticipated gift of the Christmas season. I had to wait until this past weekend to even get mine because it was backordered!!!! Apparently a lot of couples were getting this over the holiday season.

Since Naive Nancy is an average 30-something married mother of two kids who lives in the suburbs, let me start by showing you how my package arrived.   Continue reading